From Doing to Being, From Controlling to Connecting: Overcoming Codependency as Women Therapists and Psychologists

*Disclaimer: The case examples provided in this blog post are entirely fictitious and created for illustrative purposes. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, is purely coincidental and unintentional. These examples are not based on real individuals and do not reflect specific client experiences. 

As women therapists and psychologists, we enter this profession with deep compassion, a desire to help, and a profound sense of responsibility for our clients.

But somewhere along the way, that responsibility can become tangled in unhealthy patterns—feeling personally accountable for our clients’ progress, over-functioning in sessions, and struggling to maintain emotional and professional boundaries. If you’ve ever felt exhausted, emotionally drained, or unsure where your role as a therapist ends and your clients’ responsibilities begin, you’re not alone. Recognizing the difference between being responsible for versus being responsible to clients, shifting from doing to being, and understanding the role of codependency in our work are essential steps toward more ethical, sustainable, and fulfilling therapy practice. 

Through my years as a psychologist, I’ve seen firsthand how easy it is for well-meaning therapists—especially highly sensitive, empathic women—to slip into patterns of over-giving, fixing, and controlling outcomes. While these tendencies stem from good intentions, they can lead to burnout, reduced effectiveness in therapy, and even ethical dilemmas. When we take on too much responsibility for our clients’ healing, we not only exhaust ourselves but also unintentionally disempower them. True therapeutic connection happens when we hold space rather than take over, guide rather than rescue, and trust our clients’ capacity for growth rather than force change upon them. 

In this post, we’ll explore: 

• The difference between being responsible for vs. responsible to clients and why it matters.

•  How codependency shows up in therapy and ways to break free from it. • The contrast between “doing” and “being” in therapy and why the latter leads to deeper healing. 

• Practical strategies for maintaining ethical, sustainable boundaries while still fostering meaningful client relationships. 

By the end, you’ll have a clearer understanding of how to step out of codependency, embrace being overdoing, and cultivate more effective, ethical, and fulfilling therapy work.  Let’s dive in. 

Being Responsible For Vs. Being Responsible To Clients: The Ethical & Emotional  Difference 

As therapists and psychologists, we hold a deep sense of care and commitment to our clients. But when that commitment shifts into feeling responsible for rather than responsible to them, we can unknowingly step into a pattern that is both unsustainable for us and unhelpful for them. 

Being responsible for a client’s emotions, decisions, or healing journey places an unrealistic burden on us as clinicians. It creates the illusion that if we just try harder, offer the right intervention, or give enough support, we can control their progress. This often leads to over-functioning, emotional exhaustion, and even resentment when clients don’t change as quickly as we hope. It can also cause us to blur ethical boundaries, offering too much availability, taking on clients’ pain as our own, or feeling personally wounded when they struggle. 

On the other hand, being responsible to our clients means showing up with presence, compassion, and expertise—while also maintaining a healthy detachment from their outcomes.

Our role is to provide a safe, ethical, and growth-oriented space, but it is not our job to “fix” them. Clients have their own agency, timelines, and inner work to do, and the most powerful thing we can do is trust them to navigate their own process. 

When we shift from over-responsibility to ethical responsibility, we create a healthier,  more sustainable therapeutic relationship. Clients feel more empowered when we hold space rather than take over, and we protect ourselves from burnout, codependency, and emotional exhaustion. This shift ultimately enhances our effectiveness, professional integrity, and personal well-being—allowing us to show up as the grounded, present, and compassionate therapists our clients truly need.

Case example: The shift from being Responsible For to being Responsible To  

Dr. Emily*, a psychologist in private practice, had been working with a client, Samantha*,  for several months. Samantha struggled with deep-seated anxiety and difficulty making decisions, often seeking reassurance from Dr. Emily at every turn. Each session, Samantha would arrive overwhelmed, expecting Dr. Emily to provide direct answers to her dilemmas—whether about relationships, work, or personal choices. 

At first, Dr. Emily felt a strong responsibility for Samantha’s progress. She spent extra time outside of sessions researching strategies, checking in between appointments, and feeling anxious when Samantha didn’t implement the tools they discussed. When Samantha remained stuck, Dr. Emily started questioning her effectiveness as a psychologist, feeling as though she was failing her client. This overfunctioning led to exhaustion and frustration,  yet she felt guilty setting firmer boundaries. 

Over time, Dr. Emily recognized the codependent dynamic developing in therapy.

By trying to "fix" Samantha’s struggles, she was actually reinforcing Samantha’s belief that she was incapable of making decisions on her own. Dr. Emily realized that her role was to be responsible to Samantha—not for her. 

In their next session, Dr. Emily gently reflected this pattern back to Samantha: "I notice that when you're feeling overwhelmed, you often look to me for answers rather than exploring your own inner wisdom. My role isn’t to make decisions for you, but to help  you trust yourself more deeply." 

With this shift, Dr. Emily adjusted her approach. Instead of offering solutions, she encouraged Samantha to sit with discomfort, explore her own insights, and develop confidence in her choices. The results were powerful—Samantha began building self-trust,  and Dr. Emily felt more aligned with her ethical role as a psychologist rather than an emotional caretaker. 

This shift from being responsible for to being responsible to not only prevented therapist burnout and codependency but also empowered the client to step into her own growth.  When therapists recognize and adjust these patterns, they foster a more ethical,  sustainable, and effective therapeutic relationship—one where clients are encouraged to heal on their own terms rather than being rescued. 

How Codependency Shows Up In Therapy And How To Break Free

Codependency in therapy often develops subtly, especially for women therapists and psychologists who are naturally empathic, nurturing, and deeply committed to their clients’ well-being. While care and compassion are essential to therapy, over-identifying with a client’s pain, feeling overly responsible for their progress, or struggling to set boundaries can create an unhealthy dynamic that harms both the therapist and the client. 

One of the most common signs of codependency in therapy is needing to be needed. When a therapist derives a sense of self-worth from their clients’ progress, they may unconsciously encourage dependence rather than autonomy. This might look like feeling uneasy when a client doesn’t need as much support, becoming overly invested in their success, or feeling like a failure when they don’t improve quickly. 

Another key sign is difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries.

A therapist experiencing codependency might offer extra sessions at the expense of their own well-being, respond to messages outside of working hours, or avoid bringing up difficult topics out of fear of upsetting the client. This dynamic can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and blurred ethical lines. 

Breaking free from codependency in therapy requires a shift in mindset and practice.  Recognizing that our role as therapists is to support, not save, allows us to step out of the rescuer role and empower clients to take responsibility for their healing. Maintaining clear professional boundaries, practicing self-awareness and self-care, and engaging in our own personal healing work are crucial in preventing burnout and ensuring we show up ethically and effectively in our work. 

By letting go of the need to “fix” or be indispensable, we become more present, grounded,  and aligned with the core principles of therapy—fostering genuine growth and resilience in our clients while preserving our own emotional well-being. 

Case example: Breaking free from codependency in therapy 

Dr. Sarah*, a therapist in private practice, had been working with Lisa*, a client struggling with self-worth and relationship issues. Lisa often reached out between sessions, sending lengthy emails detailing her latest crisis and seeking reassurance. Over time, Dr. Sarah noticed a growing sense of pressure to “be there” for Lisa at all times. She felt obligated to respond quickly, schedule extra sessions, and offer solutions whenever Lisa felt overwhelmed.

At first, Dr. Sarah justified this as providing good care. But as the weeks passed, she began feeling drained, preoccupied with Lisa’s struggles even outside of sessions, and emotionally exhausted. She found herself checking her phone late at night, worried about whether Lisa would spiral without her guidance. Deep down, she felt guilty setting limits— after all, wasn’t helping people the reason she became a therapist? 

Eventually, Dr. Sarah realized she was caught in a codependent cycle—one where Lisa had become dependent on external validation from her, and she had become dependent on feeling needed. Dr. Sarah recognized that this dynamic wasn’t fostering true healing, but rather reinforcing Lisa’s belief that she couldn’t navigate life without someone constantly supporting her. 

In their next session, Dr. Sarah gently set a boundary: 

"Lisa, I’ve noticed that you rely on me for immediate reassurance when distressing situations arise. While I deeply care about your well-being, part of your healing is learning to trust yourself. Let’s explore strategies you can use when challenges come up outside of  session, rather than relying on me for immediate relief." 

At first, Lisa resisted, expressing fears of feeling abandoned. But with continued therapeutic support—not rescuing—Lisa slowly began to develop internal coping skills.  Over time, she became more self-reliant, checking in with herself before reaching out and processing emotions on her own. 

Dr. Sarah’s shift from codependency to ethical responsibility not only prevented burnout but also empowered Lisa to build resilience and trust her own inner wisdom. This example illustrates how women therapists can unknowingly slip into codependent patterns, but by recognizing and addressing them, they can create a healthier therapeutic relationship— one that is both ethical and sustainable. 

The Difference Between “Doing” And “Being” In Therapy: Shifting From Fixing To  Presence 

In therapy, there’s often an unspoken pressure to always be doing something—offering an intervention, providing solutions, or guiding clients toward change. While action is sometimes necessary, the most profound healing often happens not through doing, but through being—offering a grounded, compassionate, and present space where clients can explore their emotions without pressure or urgency.

When therapists focus too much on doing, they may feel compelled to fill silence with advice, provide immediate solutions, or structure every session around interventions.  While this may feel productive, it can unintentionally take away a client’s opportunity to process and develop their own insights. Over-relying on “doing” can also stem from therapist anxiety, a fear of not being helpful enough unless there’s visible progress. 

Being with a client, on the other hand, requires trust—trust in the therapeutic process, in the client’s capacity for growth, and in the power of presence. It means sitting with discomfort rather than rushing to fix it, holding space rather than controlling outcomes,  and allowing silence to be a tool for deeper reflection. This shift is often uncomfortable at first, especially for therapists who have internalized the belief that effectiveness is measured by how much they do. 

By stepping back from over-functioning and fixing, therapists cultivate a more authentic and empowering relationship with clients. This not only prevents therapist burnout but also fosters genuine transformation for clients, allowing them to develop their own inner resilience rather than relying on the therapist for all the answers. 

Case example: Letting go of fixing and embracing presence 

Dr. Anna*, a therapist working with Melissa*, a client navigating grief after a painful breakup, found herself caught in a pattern of over-functioning. Each session, Melissa would express deep sadness, uncertainty, and self-doubt, and Dr. Anna, wanting to alleviate her pain, would immediately suggest strategies—journaling exercises, self-care routines, and reframing techniques. While these were valuable tools, Melissa wasn’t engaging with them; instead, she continued coming to sessions seeking reassurance and feeling just as lost. 

Dr. Anna began to notice a pattern—she was trying to “do” Melissa’s healing for her rather than allowing Melissa to sit with and process her emotions. This realization led Dr. Anna to shift her approach. Instead of rushing to solutions, she began creating more space for silence, reflection, and deeper emotional exploration. 

One day, when Melissa asked, “What should I do to feel better?” Dr. Anna responded differently than she normally would. Instead of offering advice, she gently asked, “What  does your grief need from you right now?” The question caught Melissa off guard, forcing her to look inward rather than outward for an answer. Over time, with this shift from doing to being, Melissa began to trust her own process rather than expecting her therapist to provide the perfect solution.

By letting go of the need to constantly fix, control, or provide answers, Dr. Anna not only freed herself from therapist burnout but also helped Melissa develop emotional resilience and self-trust. This example illustrates how women therapists can become more effective by embracing presence over productivity, ultimately fostering deeper healing for both themselves and their clients. 

Maintaining Ethical, Sustainable Boundaries While Fostering Meaningful Client  Relationships 

For women therapists and psychologists, balancing compassionate care with ethical boundaries can feel challenging. Many of us enter the profession with a deep sense of empathy, making it easy to believe that setting firm boundaries might seem cold or unkind.  However, the reality is that healthy boundaries are not only necessary for the therapist’s well-being but also essential for the client’s growth and autonomy. 

When boundaries are unclear, therapy can drift into over-functioning, emotional enmeshment, or codependency, where the therapist feels personally responsible for the client’s healing. This might look like agreeing to last-minute rescheduled sessions outside of available hours, feeling pressure to offer discounts or reduced fees even when it’s not sustainable, or feeling guilty for maintaining structured session time rather than offering additional crisis support. While these behaviors may seem helpful in the short term, they reinforce dependency rather than empowerment and lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion for the therapist. 

Ethical, sustainable boundaries allow therapists to show up fully for clients during session time without feeling depleted afterward. Boundaries also provide a therapeutic model for self-respect, autonomy, and emotional regulation, reinforcing the idea that healing happens within the client’s process—not because the therapist is overextending themselves. 

Fostering meaningful relationships with clients does not require constant availability—it requires consistency, presence, and trust. When therapists communicate and uphold clear boundaries, clients feel safe, respected, and empowered to take ownership of their healing journey. This balance ensures that therapy remains effective, ethical, and sustainable, benefiting both the client and the therapist in the long run. 

Case example: Upholding boundaries without losing connection

Dr. Laura*, a dedicated psychologist, had been working with Chloe*, a client struggling with intense anxiety. Chloe frequently emailed and texted between sessions, seeking reassurance whenever distressing emotions arose. At first, Dr. Laura responded promptly,  believing it was important to be available and supportive. But over time, she noticed she  felt drained, preoccupied with Chloe’s struggles even outside of work hours, and guilty whenever she didn’t reply immediately. 

One evening, after receiving multiple messages from Chloe over the weekend, Dr. Laura had a moment of realization—she had unintentionally blurred the boundaries of therapy.  Chloe had begun relying on her as an emotional anchor outside of sessions, and Dr. Laura was feeling an increasing sense of responsibility for managing Chloe’s anxiety. 

In their next session, Dr. Laura addressed this with warmth and clarity: "Chloe, I’ve noticed that you're reaching out between sessions when difficult emotions arise. I want to help you build confidence in managing these moments on your own. Let’s  explore ways you can self-soothe and reflect before reaching out, and we’ll discuss any  lingering concerns during our scheduled sessions." 

Initially, Chloe was hesitant, worried that this meant Dr. Laura didn’t care. But as they worked together on self-regulation techniques and reframing the role of therapy, Chloe began developing stronger coping skills. Over time, she reached out less frequently,  growing more independent in her emotional processing. Meanwhile, Dr. Laura felt more balanced and energized in her work, able to maintain ethical, sustainable boundaries without compromising connection or care. 

This case highlights how women therapists can maintain professional boundaries while still fostering deep, meaningful client relationships. By upholding ethical limits, therapists protect their energy, prevent burnout, and ultimately help clients build self-reliance—an essential part of the healing process. 

Conclusion 

As women therapists and psychologists, our deep empathy and commitment to our clients can sometimes lead us into unhealthy patterns of over-responsibility, codependency, and over-functioning. When we feel responsible for rather than responsible to our clients, we risk burnout and unintentionally disempower the very people we are trying to help.  Similarly, when we become trapped in doing rather than being, we may provide quick solutions instead of fostering deeper, more lasting growth.

Recognizing and addressing codependent tendencies in therapy allows us to set ethical,  sustainable boundaries while maintaining meaningful client relationships. True healing does not come from fixing, rescuing, or controlling outcomes but from holding space,  trusting the client’s capacity for growth, and modeling healthy relational dynamics. 

By stepping into presence over productivity, ethical responsibility over over-functioning,  and boundaries over emotional enmeshment, we create a stronger, healthier foundation for both our clients and ourselves. As therapists, our work is not just about helping others heal—it’s also about ensuring that we honor our own well-being so we can continue to show up with presence, compassion, and integrity. 

As women therapists and psychologists, we are deeply committed to our clients’ healing— but sometimes that commitment turns into over-responsibility, over-functioning, and emotional exhaustion. If you’ve ever felt personally accountable for your clients’ progress,  struggled with boundaries, or found yourself “doing” more than “being” in sessions, you’re not alone. These patterns, while rooted in care, can lead to burnout, resentment, and reduced effectiveness in therapy. 

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I support women therapists and psychologists from my Calgary-based practice who want to break free from codependent dynamics, prevent burnout, and create a more ethical, sustainable, and fulfilling therapy practice. Through deep self-reflection, boundary work, and a shift in mindset, I help therapists cultivate presence over productivity, set healthier limits without guilt, and reclaim their emotional energy while still showing up meaningfully for their clients. 

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Footnote: Resources for further reading and reflection 

1. Yalom, I. D. (2002). The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of  Therapists and Their Patients. HarperCollins. 

2. Gabbard, G. O. (2016). Boundaries and Boundary Violations in Psychoanalysis (2nd  ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing. 

3. Weinberg, G. (1996). The Heart of Psychotherapy: A Journey into the Mind and Office of  the Therapist. St. Martin's Press. 

4. Stadter, M. (2004). Presence and the Present: Relationship and Time in Contemporary  Psychodynamic Therapy. Routledge.

5. From Doing to Being, From Controlling to Connecting: Overcoming Codependency as  Women Therapists and Psychologists 

6. Why Do We Become Therapists? Reconnecting with Your Purpose as a Therapist or  Psychologist and Why It Matters 

7. Stern, D. N. (2004). The Present Moment in Psychotherapy and Everyday Life. W. W.  Norton & Company.